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Don't you just love people who are tragically oblivious to the passing of
fads? I know I sure as hell do. True Story:
Last weekend, I decided to crawl out from under my rock and actually go out
to a big party. Boy, did I ever make the right decision! As I was meandering
about, watching the alcohol-induced deterioration of those around me, I stopped
and decided to watch some frat guy types play beer pong (which is also a fad that will hopefully die soon). My attention
quickly turned to one particular individual. This cat was the perfect example
of your average, classless, tasteless, utterly
clueless, American male. You know those guys who know how
awesome they are, no matter how many times they've heard otherwise? This was
one of those guys. His camo shorts, 1995-style Nike basketball sneakers,
Aeropostale polo (popped collar, of course), and backwards Yankees cap were his
special way of letting everyone know that he
meant fucking business. I knew that something magnificent was bound to come
out of his mouth, and he definitely didn't let me down.
'Awesome Guy' grasps the tiny, dirt covered ping-pong ball and lines
up his shot. He pulls back his sleeve to show off his guns, cocks back his
forearm, and lets that bitch fly. Total sink-age, bro. Dialed. Game
over. Suck on that. Immediately, he starts to scan those around him with a
haughty, shit-eating grin on his face, as to make sure everyone witnessed this
display of awesomeness. I knew it was about to happen, his victory cry was
coming. I couldn't have imagined it being as ridiculous as it was...
"What's the only difference
between me and Chuck Norris? I could kick his ass in beer pong! No one beats
Chuck Norris at beer pong, except me!"
"Oh my god, that didn't just happen," I thought to myself. I can
handle idiotic, self-righteous declarations just fine, but when you bring Chuck
Norris into it... wow. It's a whole new level of 'awesome.' I think what really got me going, is that I
was under the impression that Chuck Norris jokes were dead. Extinct.
Totally abused and thoroughly played-out… like the dinosaurs, cavemen, or Keith
Richards' nasal cavity. Apparently I was
wrong.
Now I'll be the first to admit that I was all about the Chuck Norris joke when it was in its prime. Hell, I remember
coming home from high school one day, bored off my ass, and printing
out like 20 lewd pictures of Chucky-boy, then proceeding to duct tape them all
over my mom's belongings. What I'm trying to say is that I loved a good Chuck
Norris reference as much as anyone. Sadly though, I grew up a little, and
realized how much of a d-bag Chuck Norris actually is.
First of all, his movies, and his show, are absolutely terrible. They
are physically painful to watch. Secondly, he's a Jesus-jumpin,'
holy-rollin,' nutball. Seriously, when Norris was presented with one of
those stupid little factoids claiming that "there is no evolution, just
creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live," Norris responded with this
self-righteous, pansy-ass quip:
"It's funny. It's cute. But here's
what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the
way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list
of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We
are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made
in His image, which separates us from all other creatures. By the way, without
Him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do
all things—and so can you."
Wow, thanks Chucky. I am truly enlightened... or not. Don't get me
wrong, I have no problem with Christians, or followers of any religion, for
that matter. It's just that arguing about their personal definition of 'god,' is one of the most idiotic things people do. It's like two smokers arguing
over which kind of cancer is the worst. You can't be right, you can't be
wrong. You can't prove it. You won't change anyone's mind. Stop fucking trying,
and stop talking about how your god is the only correct one. Honestly, I'm a
firm believer in evolution. I really don't see how the Bible and it contradict
one another. The Bible, like most holy books, is filled with a bunch of
metaphors and rough translations of outdated languages. Sure it contains some
accurate history, and good messages, but you can't take that shit word for
word, dude. Don't preach it to me, period. It's absolutely absurd that people
can take that stuff so seriously. I digress though, back to Chuck!
The point I'm trying to convey is that Chuck Norris really isn't such a
hard-ass after all. He's a dweeb. I can guaran-fucking-tee that the only reason
little Carlos (his real name) Ray Norris Jr. learned how to roundhouse
kick in the first place was because he was an ugly, stinky, little ginger kid who was sick of getting his ass kicked all the time.
Sorry if that offended any ginger readers, I was just trying to make a point...
Anyways, I've come up with a few men who actually deserve to have Chuck Norris-type jokes made in their honor, since the real Chuck Norris is such a fuck.
#1) Anyone from 'The Deadliest Catch'
When is the last time you saw Chuck Norris freezing his ginger-balls off, risking his life to catch Bering Sea crab? If you answered 'never,' congratulations, you're correct. Take a look, Chuck... these are real men. They don't spend hours evening out their beards like you do, they aren't big pansies like you are, and to top it all off, their television show is really fucking good, unlike yours.
#2) Lance Armstrong
The scourge of all Frenchmen. Not only did he win the Tour de France 7 fucking times in a row, he did it AFTER overcoming cancer which his doctors told him he'd probably die from. As if that wasn't good enough, he's been linked to super-sluts such as Paris Hilton and one of those Olsen broads. Even though Lance only has one ball, I'm confident that he probably bangs a different chick each week. How does 'saving it until marriage' sound now, Chuck?
#3) John Daly
This man is worthy of a story of his own... click here to read about this wonderful human being.
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