incongruous;inviting ridicule; "the absurd excuse that the dog ate his homework"; "that's a cockeyed idea"; "ask a nonsensical question and get a nonsensical answer"; "a contribution so small as to be laughable"; "it is ludicrous to call a cottage a mansion"; "a preposterous attempt to turn back the pages of history"; "her conceited assumption of universal interest in her rather dull children was ridiculous"
| Poodle Infringement |
| Written by Johnny | |||||||||||
| Monday, 31 March 2008 04:39 | |||||||||||
 I'd like to start out by saying that I have absolutely no problem with pothead types, but marijuana just ain't my cup of tea. How people smoke that shit and then go function as normal members of society boggles my mind. Every damn time I decide to try a "doobie snack," I realize it's just no fun for me. Sure, shit's funnier than normal, but everything freaks me the hell out. I then proceed to get this astronomically huge appetite, and soon pass out, only to wake up with empty food wrappers scurried about and no recollection of the evening's events. Every time, same thing. I will now admit however, that ganja causes some people's minds to relate the craziest things together. True story: I'm out getting a coffee or something at this trendy little cafe-type place near my house, and in walks my friend Brad. Stoned as fuck. Nothing new. Try to avoid eye contact. Fail. Following conversation occurs: Brad: Heyyy mannn, what's up dude? I then proceeded to head home, and immediately put this useless factoid into the constantly growing "Spam: Brad's "Crazy Shit," Don't Ever Open Again" folder in my mental hard drive. That is, until last night... I'm having one of those nights where I'm tired and cranky as all hell, but can't fall asleep. My typical cure for nights like this is generally channel surfing (or porn, but that's a different post). It's like three in the morning and the programming on my normal favorites (Discovery, NatGeo, History, ESPN, etc...) is less than stellar. On these nights, when nothing good is on, my next thought is usually along the lines of, "fuck it, maybe I'll find a good movie." I was at that point when the shit hit the fan. I scroll down to Skinemax hoping to maybe catch one of those softcore T&A numbers, because I really enjoy the acting in them. Those are some talented individuals, that's for damn sure. But to my dismay, there were none to be found. What I did land on however, turned out to be much more than I bargained for. I continued looking through my movie channels, when I saw an enticing little film playing on Starz; The Neverending fucking Story. I aim my remote, and with one fateful "click," my mind is blown. To my amazement, I am presented with a certain "Dragon Dude" flying around with some snotty little kid riding on his back. No fucking way. This is actually some "crazy shit." I won't beat around the bush here, I live with a poodle - a little French-ass bichon named Luke (or Shitball as I lovingly have dubbed him). He is all you'd expect a French poodle to be. He doesn't really do much of anything and he yaps constantly. Earlier that day, Shitball wouldn't shut the hell up and was annoying the living shit out of me. He runs back and forth from me to the front door, barking my fucking ears off. "Fine Shitball, I'll let you out, go do your thing," I say. While he's out in the yard, I watch him pull the same shit he always does. He can't even act even somewhat manly when he's pissing. Normal mandogs are supposed to raise their leg in pride and mark the shit out of their territory when going #1, not Shitball though. He runs around and merrily sniffs about for a while before finally squatting, both legs firmly on the ground, like the little mutt bitch he is. Enough about dog piss though. Now, after Shitball has finished his business, he always does the strangest damn thing. He runs back into the house as fast as his scrawny little poodle legs will take him, and the wind blows his mop of poodle hair backwards. In fact, I'd say he actually kind of resembles a certain "Dragon Dude." Actually, it's more than "kind of." Shitball and Dragon Dude have to of been separated at birth. That dog's post-urination sprint, and that "dragon's" super-corny flight, look exactly the same. Turns out Dragon Dude's name is Falkor. In that horrible movie, he is given the cheese-tastic title of "luckdragon." I'm not buying that shit for a second. Mr. Falkor shall forever be known as " big Shitball who talks" for me. Brad was right. My whole world crashes down. Total mindfuck, dude.  Note: it is impossible to find pictures of this Falkor fucker online. Coincidence? I think not. I definitely think I have a case for "poodle infringement" here. Please waste a bit more of your life and enjoy this terrible clip. I purposely chose the German version just so you don't have to hear the awful dialect, plus I think German sounds silly. Shit, I just said "silly." This movie will instantly raise your homosexuality level a few notches. No lie. Don't ever watch it. I don't care how "blazed" your ass is. 
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