Dear Insane Clown Posse,

You fucking suck. With that being said, I still must give you at least a little credit on your marketing skills. How one god-awful-horrendous-blow-my-fucking-ear-drums-out band could produce such a formidable legion of a mindless zombie fans is quite impressive.

Friends, let's talk about Juggalos; those smelly, weird-looking, ICP-loving, wastes of our precious oxygen. Let's face it, we've all regretfully met a few in our day. Juggalos and their female counterparts, the Juggalettes, are some of the strangest critters to ever walk the face of this fine earth. I just don't understand it. I'm totally not into racism or stereotyping of any kind, but with these people, my blatant assumptions are generally always valid. Here are my unwritten guidelines for being a Juggalo:

1) Individual MUST be Caucasian (yet  many possess a fleeting desire to be of African ancestry)

2) Individual MUST be from a fucked up family

3) Individual MUST NOT have any fucking clue as to how to act as a productive member of society

4) Individual MUST be a habitual user of recreational drugs

5) Individual MUST have an IQ well below the national average

6) Individual MUST ALWAYS have an ample supply of black and white face paint on hand

7) Individual gets "bonus Juggalo points" for any of the following:

-holding a job at a fast food restaurant

-having warrants out for his or her arrest

-living in a trailer

-having multiple baby-mamas or baby-daddys

I can't lie though, I actually kind of feel bad for these cats. Most of them honestly do come from broken homes and shit, which is definitely not cool. I understand that they are just trying to fit in or find themselves or whatever, but I just don't understand how following the example of a fat man and meth-head dressed as clowns gets them anywhere. It's so sad to see natural selection at work sometimes. These cretins have no chance, ever. Even if a motivated Juggalo tried to find a good job, how would he expect the interview to go? "My, what lovely face paint you have. Have you heard ICP's new single, 'Bitch Slappaz,' yet?" Sorry Dude, it ain't gonna happen. Juggalos are simply stuck where they're at, which is smack-fucking-dab in the middle of WhiteTrashVille. They're just too damn stinky and socially awkward to ever get anywhere else, so they just keep repopulating their breed. They are essentially creating little self-contained "Juggalo colonies." Wild shit man. But fuck it, I did just waste twenty minutes writing that, so maybe the Juggalos have something going here. They definitely have my fucking attention. JuGgAlOz (aNd JuGalETtz), tHiS iZ 4 U:

Comments

Search

Righteousness 05-19-2008 After watching you fight with your web site the other day, i proceeded to get a little deeper into your site. Everything I have read so far, is of ample truth and fills me with deep gratification and a few get me to laugh hysterically. Now on to this ICP nonsense...This group of alienated people seem to coagulate together and are an awaiting molotov cocktail. These people are the spitting image of the guy in "The Devils Rejects" and are a group of cocktails anxiously awaiting their time to burn throughout everyones lives with their disturbing "raps and rhymes." Its sickening.

aschwab9009 04-14-2008 I'll admit, i had never heard an ICP song before i read this article, and i would like to start by saying that i'm glad that Ridiculous! Web was the one that popped my ICP cherry...so thank you. Much to my surprise, however, ICP is a rap group. I was (for years) under the impression that ICP was a screamer, death core, slit your throat, and fuck the world kind of group. And even though i was sorely mistaken, i think that these groups should also be addressed. I am quite interested in your take on these groups although i cannot name any specifically because i do not wish to slit any part of my body, nor do i have a particularly pleasant screaming voice. Please write back.

Johnny 04-14-2008 I totally agree. I thought the exact same of ICP until I met some stinky kid at a party wearing that horrible "ax guy" t-shirt and some baggy ass JNCOs. I was like "wow, I totally have to talk to this shitface" because the opportunity doesn't come around very often. Needless to say, the kid made my night. He told me how many Oxycontins he'd taken, why both of his parents are in jail, and how he knows that those two fucking clowns "get him." Definitely some eye-opening dialect, for sure. As soon as I got home I downloaded a few of their tunes illegally, and I fucking lost it. My fascination with them hasn't lessened since. As far as scream-o bands are concerned, I totally agree. I'm definitely more of a Beatles/ jam band/ stereotypical indie music junkie myself. To each his own though, eh?

aschwab9009 04-15-2008 definitely, i just posted an article, about asians, but i'm not sure if it sent through, or where it went. the title is War of the Worlds, if you find it, let me know what you think

Johnny 04-15-2008 not too shabby. It's in the "user submitted content" section you'll see once you're logged in. I'm still trying to fix some bugs, and the mysterious "disappearing" posts by users is something I'm looking into. As long as you hit the "save" button you should be good to go.

aschwab9009 04-15-2008 okay good. Yeah this is my first time here, and I completely agree with everything I've seen

Ames 04-12-2008 babe you forgot to mention juggalo juice... You can only be a legit juggalo if you carry around a 2 liter of faygo at all times!

Only registered users can write comments!

Powered by !JoomlaComment 3.21

3.21 Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved."