I'm definitely not a spiteful person, nor am I one to celebrate the misfortunes of others, but I am actually really glad to see Tiger Woods drop out of the Tour for a few months to have knee surgery. Whenever ol' Eldrick is playing, it seems like the media totally forgets about the hundreds of other "professional" golfers, including the real #1, Sir John Daly.

        "John Daly is your number one golfer? That's nonsense! That fat drunkard hasn't won anything in years," many of you may say... but I'm sticking to it. Is Daly's handicap anywhere near Tiger's? Hell no. Has he won 1/10th of the tournaments Tiger has? Absolutely not. Does he have more fun than Tiger (or any other PGA golfer, for that matter), you bet your sweet ass he does! John Daly blatantly disregards any notion of "golf etiquette," and I absolutely love it. My belief is that when you really look at it, the game of golf actually doesn't seem like much of a high-class affair at all. When you examine the process of events that dictate the gameplay, it's more or less a mindless operation. Golf seems much more for fitting for a group of pillaging barbarians than it does for cigar smoking jet-setters at some country club. Here is the gist:

Guy whacks ball as far as he can. Guy follows ball. Guy whacks ball again. Guy puts away his whacker-stick and gently nudges ball into a hole with a different whacker-stick. Repeat 18 times. Guy with least whacks is winner.

        Point made. Golf, by nature, should cater to the unpolished, the classless, and the uncultured. John Daly is all of those things, and more. You know in Happy Gilmore, how Adam Sandler's character brings in all those "trashy" fans to the courses, because he's "the common man?" John Daly is the real-life, living, breathing (barely), flesh-in-blood version of Happy Gilmore. Just ask yourself; would Tiger Woods, even in his worst nightmare, ever be caught flashing his tits, hammered off his ass with a broad during a tournament? Didn't fucking think so.

        Some naysayers will hastily point towards his unabashed alcoholism as reason to deny John of his due respect. However, my thought is that his tendency to habitually hit the bottle can only add to his overwhelming greatness. Let's call a spade a spade, the man is always drunk. It's like he's permanently giving all the other golfers ten strokes on him, and that's being modest... but does anyone in their right mind think Tiger and his stuffy Tour commrades could actually chug a fifth of Jack Daniels and still make a PGA Tournament cut like JD can? Of course not. Tiger would be passed-out naked in a sand trap, covered in his own vomit, resting his precious little Tiger noggin on one of those stupid-ass stuffed animal headcovers of his in ten minutes flat. Advantage, Daly.

        If you still aren't comprehending the utter greatness that emanates from every sweaty pore of this wonderful man, perhaps I'll just have to resort to brute force to drive my point home (pun definitely intended). Allow me to pose another question; who drives the ball further than anyone else on the PGA tour? I'll give you a hint... it definitely isn't the guy who wears those tight pink pants, and it sure as hell ain't Tiger. Don't give me any useless bullshit statistics like "drive accuracy" or "fairways hit," I'm talking about brute fucking force. Who can bludgeon that helpless little, white, dimpled, bastard of a sphere into oblivion harder than anyone else? Yup, it's JD! Daly can consistently drive a golf ball 350+ yards, without even dropping the cigarette from his mouth in the process. That is called "talent," ladies and gentlemen. Because of this god-given gift, it should come as no surprise that I totally believe Daly's claim that he once launched a ball over 850 yards on an abandoned airport runway one night when he and some buddies got drunk and snuck in. You certainly don't earn the nickname "Long John" from practicing your prissy little "putts and chipshots," that's for damn sure. It takes heart, it takes dedication, and it takes lots of cigarettes and alcohol. John Daly is simply an athlete among athletes. He's a rare breed. The PGA should reward him for his actions, instead of constantly trying to shun him into obscurity. Their events would be a lot more fun to watch at least...

Here are just a few of Long John's famous quotes. Think of them as "The Gospel According to John Daly." They will make your life much more rewarding, and you may bask upon their infinite wisdom in your times of trouble. I know I do:

"Seems I do everything like I'm on a mission. If it's alcohol, I'll drink till I can't see straight. If it's golf, I want to beat everybody's brains out. If it's driving, I can get there faster'n you can. It's not anybody's fault, I guess. I'm just stubborn as hell." -JD: verse 1

"I believe nicotine plus caffeine equals protein." -JD: verse 2

"Everyone has addictions and my problem is that I have 5,000 of them. If it's not drinking, it's gambling; if it's not gambling, it's eating anything from burgers, doughnuts to M&Ms.The only addiction I don't suffer from is chasing women." -JD: verse 3

“I was never able to have three or four beers. One's too many, and ten just ain't enough. Basically it's the way I've been since high school.” -JD: verse 4

"I don't think it matters if you work out or if you don't work out. I'm used to the heat. Fat boys like me can get through the heat. I tried, but every time I worked out I would throw up. I thought to myself that 'you can just get drunk and throw up,' so it's just not for me. I'm flexible enough, but there are probably some things I could do to get my flexibility up, but I'd rather, smoke, drink, and eat. I get enough exercise walking 5 or 6 miles a day." -JD: verse 5

As if all that weren't enough, I pose just one final question; do any other pro golfers star in their own music video?

Oh, they don't?

Long John does.

I know you don't always get the respect you deserve, Mr. Daly, but I'm just letting you know that I really do appreciate your courageous efforts, and hope to one day achieve your level of excellence, both on and off the course. Grip it and rip it Long John!