Ridiculous!
Walker, Texas Wanker
Written by Johnny   
Thursday, 15 May 2008 16:35

Don't you just love people who are tragically oblivious to the passing of fads? I know I sure as hell do. True Story:

Last weekend, I decided to crawl out from under my rock and actually go out to a big party. Boy, did I ever make the right decision! As I was meandering about, watching the alcohol-induced deterioration of those around me, I stopped and decided to watch some frat guy types play beer pong (which is also a fad that will hopefully die soon). My attention quickly turned to one particular individual. This cat was the perfect example of your average, classless, tasteless, utterly clueless, American male. You know those guys who know how awesome they are, no matter how many times they've heard otherwise? This was one of those guys. His camo shorts, 1995-style Nike basketball sneakers, Aeropostale polo (popped collar, of course), and backwards Yankees cap were his special way of letting everyone know that he meant fucking business. I knew that something magnificent was bound to come out of his mouth, and he definitely didn't let me down.

'Awesome Guy' grasps the tiny, dirt covered ping-pong ball and lines up his shot. He pulls back his sleeve to show off his guns, cocks back his forearm, and lets that bitch fly. Total sink-age, bro. Dialed. Game over. Suck on that. Immediately, he starts to scan those around him with a haughty, shit-eating grin on his face, as to make sure everyone witnessed this display of awesomeness. I knew it was about to happen, his victory cry was coming. I couldn't have imagined it being as ridiculous as it was...

"What's the only difference between me and Chuck Norris? I could kick his ass in beer pong! No one beats Chuck Norris at beer pong, except me!"

"Oh my god, that didn't just happen," I thought to myself. I can handle idiotic, self-righteous declarations just fine, but when you bring Chuck Norris into it... wow. It's a whole new level of 'awesome.' I think what really got me going, is that I was under the impression that Chuck Norris jokes were dead. Extinct. Totally abused and thoroughly played-out… like the dinosaurs, cavemen, or Keith Richards' nasal cavity. Apparently I was wrong.

Now I'll be the first to admit that I was all about the Chuck Norris joke when it was in its prime. Hell, I remember coming home from high school one day, bored off my ass, and printing out like 20 lewd pictures of Chucky-boy, then proceeding to duct tape them all over my mom's belongings. What I'm trying to say is that I loved a good Chuck Norris reference as much as anyone. Sadly though, I grew up a little, and realized how much of a d-bag Chuck Norris actually is.

First of all, his movies, and his show, are absolutely terrible. They are physically painful to watch. Secondly, he's a Jesus-jumpin,' holy-rollin,' nutball. Seriously, when Norris was presented with one of those stupid little factoids claiming that "there is no evolution, just creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live," Norris responded with this self-righteous, pansy-ass quip:

"It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures. By the way, without Him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things—and so can you."

Wow, thanks Chucky. I am truly enlightened... or not. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with Christians, or followers of any religion, for that matter. It's just that arguing about their personal definition of 'god,' is one of the most idiotic things people do. It's like two smokers arguing over which kind of cancer is the worst. You can't be right, you can't be wrong. You can't prove it. You won't change anyone's mind. Stop fucking trying, and stop talking about how your god is the only correct one. Honestly, I'm a firm believer in evolution. I really don't see how the Bible and it contradict one another. The Bible, like most holy books, is filled with a bunch of metaphors and rough translations of outdated languages. Sure it contains some accurate history, and good messages, but you can't take that shit word for word, dude. Don't preach it to me, period. It's absolutely absurd that people can take that stuff so seriously. I digress though, back to Chuck!

The point I'm trying to convey is that Chuck Norris really isn't such a hard-ass after all. He's a dweeb. I can guaran-fucking-tee that the only reason little Carlos (his real name) Ray Norris Jr. learned how to roundhouse kick in the first place was because he was an ugly, stinky, little ginger kid who was sick of getting his ass kicked all the time.

Sorry if that offended any ginger readers, I was just trying to make a point...

Anyways, I've come up with a few men who actually deserve to have Chuck Norris-type jokes made in their honor, since the real Chuck Norris is such a fuck.


#1) Anyone from 'The Deadliest Catch'

When is the last time you saw Chuck Norris freezing his ginger-balls off, risking his life to catch Bering Sea crab? If you answered 'never,' congratulations, you're correct. Take a look, Chuck... these are real men. They don't spend hours evening out their beards like you do, they aren't big pansies like you are, and to top it all off, their television show is really fucking good, unlike yours.










#2) Lance Armstrong

The scourge of all Frenchmen. Not only did he win the Tour de France 7 fucking times in a row, he did it AFTER overcoming cancer which his doctors told him he'd probably die from. As if that wasn't good enough, he's been linked to super-sluts such as Paris Hilton and one of those Olsen broads. Even though Lance only has one ball, I'm confident that he probably bangs a different chick each week. How does 'saving it until marriage' sound now, Chuck?










#3) John Daly

This man is worthy of a story of his own... click here to read about this wonderful human being.





















Chuck Norris Facts:
Do you still find them hilarious?


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A Hero in Civil Service
Written by Johnny   
Thursday, 08 May 2008 19:11

Police:  Juror in Houston pot trial caught smoking it

Woman charged with drug possession on break from trial

[Houston, Texas] Judge Sherman Ross tried to assemble a jury of peers for a woman accused of possession of a marijuana on trial Tuesday.

But authorities say prospective juror Cornelia Mayo might have taken that concept a bit too far after she was caught smoking a joint outside the courthouse during a break.

Oh man! Ain't that a bitch? So this is the direction our legal system is heading, eh? Can Cornelia Mayo not catch a fucking break, or can Cornelia Mayo not catch a fucking break? I don't know exactly how things work in Texas, but where I come from, that kind of dedication to a fair trial gets rewarded, not punished. What exactly was she doing wrong? The judge was trying to assemble 'a jury of peers,' which he obviously did a fantastic job of. While the rest of her stuffy-ass co-jurors were probably busy twidling their thumbs and hating every fucking moment of their jury duty, this woman was hard at work investigating the case for herself. She was doing nothing more than ensuring that she truly was a 'peer' of the accused. That's simply being a good citizen. I mean, let's be real here, no one in there goddamned right mind would be smoking a doob on break from the trial of a doob-smoker, unless they were just trying to see the world from the point of view of the person on trial. Civil servants, such as Ms. Mayo, who don't mind putting their own ass on the line for the integrity of a case, are a dying breed... which is most definitely not a good sign of things to come. You're a hero Ms. Mayo, and I salute you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a case of my own to go investigate...
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The Next Great Laureate of Lyric
Written by Johnny   
Wednesday, 07 May 2008 17:30

Sorry we've been slacking of late, but site has been undergoing some much- needed maintenance, which has kind of been taking priority over the whole 'content' thing. Anywho, it's finally time to get this little tournament started!

 


Bob Dylan. Bruce Springsteen. Neil Young. John Lennon. Over the years, these names have become synonymous with the notion of "lyrical genius." Quite simply, these cats could pen a fucking song like nobody's business. They are legends, and their words have become timeless. Seriously, it's almost creepy how relevant Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin" still is, even though it was written over 40 years ago. It's this unique attribute that separates the good from the great.

A few weeks ago, I was flipping through my channels, when I landed on this Bob Dylan Concert Special thing. It couldn't have been more than a year old, and I must admit, Bobby-boy wasn't looking so hot. It definitely put everything in perspective for me... as timeless as they may seem, the legends all succumb to that cruel, inevitable fate that awaits us all. They are totally human, and eventually they'll all croak (some sooner than later, obviously).

As the legends slowly begin to fade, it's a given that the clairvoyant human mind will begin to look for replacements. Although the terrible hair-metal and electronic bullshit of the 80's, and the boy bands and MTV garbage of the 90's kind of set the growth of good music back a bit, it's awesome to see quality music making a comeback of late. I don't know exactly what triggered this sonic renaissance, but it's fucking awesome. In my humble opinion, all the assholes out there constantly blabbering about how "modern music sucks," honestly have no goddamned clue whatsoever. It seems to me that there has never been a more vast group of musical virtuosos in their primes than there is right now... you just have to look for them. Even though you won't hear their jams in tha club or on TRL, there are some absolute lyrical geniuses out there. More times than not, their lines are just as, if not more, p0ignant than anything Dylan or the Boss could muster up.

With all that being said, I'd really like to know who my generation views as the absolute best of our time. Who are we going to force our kids to listen to? Who best paints a lyrical interpretation of our zeitgeist? Who's music do you sit in your room and try to analyze? Basically, Who is the next legend?


 What we've decided to do is run a little tournament kind of thing. Andrew, Lauren, and I have put together our top 16, and we're going to match them up NCAA style (1 vs. 16, 2 vs. 15, etc...). We took a few factors into consideration, and tried to ask around as much as possible to get our "seeds" as accurate as we could, but it's still obviously a matter of opinion. That's why we want all you beautiful people voting, ya dig? Nonetheless, these are the basic criteria we used to pick our 16, and why we placed them where we placed them:

- They have to be alive, and still active.
- We're looking for someone with enough popularity to actually gain a decent fan base. We know there are some great indie/ underground writers, but that's not what we're looking for.
-We aren't looking for the best music, or the best bands. Although having catchy songs helps, we're more concerned about content here.
-The more songs and albums, the better.
-We're looking for someone that most people can actually relate to. Not everyone cares about bitches and bling. We want someone who can put those previously 'unexplainable' feelings we all have into words.
-We're trying to limit our candidates to the last 15 years or so, and they're basically all 30 or younger (with a few exceptions).
- Only Males. We aren't chauvinist pigs or anything... the ladies will get their turn later.


Without further adieu, here are the top 16 as we see them:

1) Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes)
2) Isaac Brock (Modest Mouse)
3) Thom Yorke (Radiohead)
4) Josh Ritter
5) Jeff Tweedy (Wilco)
6) Ben Gibbard (Death Cab for Cutie, the Postal Service)
7Ryan Adams
8) Beck Hansen(Beck)
9) Rufus Wainwright
10) Sufjan Stevens
11) Sam Beam (Iron & Wine)
12) Ben Folds
13) Jeff Mangum (Neutral Milk Hotel)
14) James Mercer (the Shins)
15) Ray LaMontagne
16) Jack White (the White Stripes, the Raconteurs)

Honorable mentions include: Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumkins), Geoff Rickley (Thursday), Chris Conley (Saves the Day), Rivers Cuomo (Weezer), John K. Sampson (the Weakerthans), Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine), Omar Rodriguez-Lopez/ Cedric Bixler-Zavala (At the Drive-In, the Mars Volta), and Blake Sennet (Rilo Kiley, the Elected)

 

If you think there is someone obvious missing, definitely let us know. If you just don't agree with the seeds or something, that just like... your opinion, dude.

We'll start the first round match-ups as soon as I figure out how to get our damn poll software working.

Let the games begin!

 
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Andy's Ineligible Inductees: Week One
Written by Andy   
Wednesday, 07 May 2008 05:01
In keeping with this whole May Madness theme, I have decided to bring attention to some of the artists not eligible for the seeding. Each week, for ten weeks, I will introduce nostalgic artist(s) with their top five albums as well as their top ten songs, as I see them. Many of you may not like the order that these albums and songs fall into. For those of you whom are knowledgeable enough to add your two cents, I'd be more than happy to take your objections into consideration. Without further adieu, I present to you the first band worth recollection.

Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel
Whether they were talking about Joe DiMaggio, Frank Lloyd Wright or "catching a boat to England," people were listening. Often noted as "a poet and a one man band," referring to the seemingly simplistic, yet overwhelming lyrics written by Art Garfunkel, and the foot tappin', hand clappin' melodies strummed by Paul Simon. Although both men were lyrical geniuses, which intern led to several artistic differences between the two. In an era that was quite robust with now under appreciated talent, Simon & Garfunkel have established themselves as one of the top "feel good bands"of the era. They are inductees of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as well as the Long Island Music Hall of Fame. They were also noted as the fortieth greatest band by Rolling Stone Magazine, and have won several Grammys. They duo broke up in 1970, but continue to reunite. Their most notable reunion came in 1981 when they bestowed their musical talent upon an enormous crowd in Central Park. Personally, although I'm sure you could really care less, this is one of my favorite bands of all time. Hell, I may be "one stinkin' hippie," (right John?) but this is one band that even he too wouldn't mind sleeping in the back of a station wagon to see. In all reality, John even bares a slight resemblance to Art Garfunkel!



Top Five Albums

1.) "Sounds of Silence" - 1966

2.) " The Concert in Central Park" - 1982

3.) "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme" - 1966

4.) "Bridge Over Troubled Water" - 1970

5.) " Wednesday Morning, 3 AM" - 1964

 

 

 




Top Ten Songs

(*Readers Note: This was possibly the most difficult thing I've ever done. Compare it to picking which of your children you love the most.)

1.) Homeward Bound

(*After intense moral scrutiny, I forced myself to remove my number one song, "Kodachrome." This song features only Paul Simon.)

2.) America

3.) The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)

4.) The Boxer

5.) Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall

6.) Bridge Over Troubled Water

7.) Fakin' It

8.) Somewhere They Can't Find Me

9.) Mrs. Robinson

(*Has succumb to #9 because Jon Bon Jovi has covered it. The song will never be the same. Fucking Jovi, dude.

10.) The Sound of Silence
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Potato Sack Girl Covers Neutral Milk Hotel
Written by Johnny   
Monday, 05 May 2008 19:22

Boy do I love Neutral Milk Hotel. Call me crazy, but "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" is my pick for greatest album of all time. True story. It really sucks that Jeff Mangum is such a fucking hermit though... that dude knew how to write a damn song. Anyways, as I was going through NMH videos on YouTube, I came across this little gem:


Awesome, dude! If this young lady isn't the perfect example of what I like to call a "potato-sack girl," I don't know who is. What's a potato-sack girl, you ask? It's actually fairly self explanatory... a potato-sack girl is a babe that's so awesomely awesome that you wish you could grab her, throw her in a potato sack, and just go marry the living hell out of her. Creepy? Yes. True? You bet your sweet ass!

Seriously, it's hard enough to find the <1% of the female population who've even heard of Neutral Milk, let alone one who actually has the lady-balls to cover the best song off that legendary album. Not only did she just cover it, but dare I say... it sounds better than the original. Kudos to you, Potato-Sack Girl.

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